Paranoid Inside (NANO excerpt Delirium by JL Denman 2009
Paranoid on the inside.
Sometimes I'm crazy. People, they stare at me from behind wide eyes. Why?
Stop looking at me! What is wrong with you? Keep your eyes in your own head. Don't stare. look away. Stop that. Plotting. Are you plotting on me? Are you? You back there planning my demise? You, you over there in the bushes, what are you doing? Why do you have a camera? Stop filming me. This ain't no Truman Show. Get out of my yard. Yes, I see eyes everywhere. Looking, blinking, starring, making those slitted looks at me. Stop it.
I hear you. What? You stop, you. Stop that whispering! Behind. Behind my back- I know you are there! I hear you. I hear the words you want to hide, but I know. I know deep down inside that you are just a mess. You want to purge your mess on to me. Stop following around with your gossiping mouths. I don't need you. Stop that. Keep away from me . Stop talking! Stop it!
My hands fly to my hears. Eyes close. Head shakes. Hair twitches uncontrollably.
Stop it Stop it Stop it! Go away!
I feel you breathing down my neck. Get off.
Flick. Slap at the invisible hands? Fingers? No! Talons click and snap at my shoulders.
Keep away. Keep them far away!
Growl. Grit teeth.
I hate you. Don't touch me with your filth. Go! Get. Move March get away!
Screams. Shouts. Echoes bounce off of dead walls and bone skulls. paranoid inside. Move! Don't you do it. Don't you touch me. I hate you did you do that. Flinch. Twitch., eyes closed down like lopsided shutters Stop get away. twitch Paranoid inside. they plot on me. I see them. Crazy people with gnashing teeth and bleeding gossip gums they talk and talk and talk and talk and talk behind my back. blood drooling on my bones as the y do. I know I know you! You bastard! You did it. Keep your fetid breath from my ear. Go away. Flinch left. Twitch right. Shiver . Cold.- the wind of the yacking and plotting and scrying and crying makes me cold so cold. Ice cold. Glacier cold. Need warmth not heat here Paranoid inside. They are trying to kill me. Freeze me out. Freeze me. Block of black ice. Slick! they try to chisel me. They do stop! You did it. Hair flies. Black brown strands string around in frantic webs.
Stop! Leave me alone. I hate you! Go.
Finger, knuckle white, points. Teeth clatter. Bite the tongue.
Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Strop!
Shake furiously. Paranoid inside. Faster turn turn turn around. F aces move like blurs, swirl- no twist into distorted faces. Noses become eyes. Eyes become teeth. Always teeth yack. Lips flap. They spread wide... wide... wide... sliced in gruesome faces. White, white, always white face and eyes twist and churn. No eyes- blind. No ears- deaf. No mind- dumb.
Stop! Stop! Stop! H
Hand flies to ears. Double over over over over again and over again. and .. more
Screams. Shaking shoulders heave. Lungs squeeze. Shoot. Bang!
Stop, drop dead?
Not dead. They plot and shoot and try to kill me. Paranoid inside.
Where are all your faces?
Dimmed- turned black ash. No faces? No words? Yes. Faster. Faster spin everything, spinning. Blink fast, faster. Constantly eye wide. Lid closed half pulled shutters over.
Double over again. Fall. Ground hard. Knees crushed under weight. Pointing fingers laughing laughter giggles, jest, jest, and cheers! Everything faster and spinning curled over again double in on self. Paranoid inside every side outside.
No! Truth! Real! Reality! They do it. They do it again. Over and over they talk and jeer. Stop!
Screams. Fetal position. Knees to chest. Head covered. Eyes squinted tight shut against the visions.
The noise- the talk, the scratching at bars, the scratching at shields- never stops.
Paranoid inside, around sides, outsides. Cover cower. Hide.
Stop! Stay away. free me! Help! No! Plotting. Plotting to kill me dead here and now. Stop ! Help!
No help for you. We win!~We win.
Rattling yawns crashing waves dark laughter dark taunting. Fetal position hiding.
Go! Leave! Stop your plotting on me. Leave me alone!
Dance the dance of the cabal!
Taunt tease vivisect! No!
Hide! Protection? Where?
Where are you?
I feel them press. Hateful people. Hateful faces. Hateful words. Stab at me.
They have knives! Oh!
Crouched in on self. Deeper. Hide escape. Hide!
Convulse. Spasm. raucous .
Screams! Screams! Shouts and tears!
Paranoid inside, around sides, outsides.
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